Normal Abnormal Drinker

I’ve noticed a bit of the old toxic behaviour creeping in so I’m going to try an AA technique. I’m simply going to count the days of moderation.

So today I can say……I am prone to excess & it has been three days since I last binged.

Funnily enough it was Friday the 13th when I last lost it.

I noticed this weekend that I went from being a perfect gent to a bit of an arse. On Friday I was a moderate drinker & charming. On Saturday afternoon I was a ‘perfect gent’. From Saturday night onward (as the cumulative alcohol intake hit home) I became somewhat socailly inept, boorish & unelloquent.

There were moments where there was no talk, no dancing & so forth. In those moments I need to hold something in my hand & a drink it is. But it is self-defeating. I need to get comfortable in my own skin! Perhaps sometimes I just need to deal with awkward silences by staying awkward & not getting drunker.

It is another lesson on this road I am on.

But on the plus side I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be.

I’ve noticed two thing recently.

Firstly I’m increasingly argumentative. Not quarrelsome but rather far more inclined to disagree with people. I take issue with small inaccuracies & debate them with a force their [lack of] importance does not merit. I found myself taking issue with the precise definition of a wormery the other day. What on earth for!

Secondly the impact of work. I went back to my old work for a 2 week stint. All that happy go lucky energy disappeared in the days following. My conversation became monosylabic & my ability to be positive & happy with people outside work disappeared. Is this a case of using up all my testosterone at work I wonder or is it the nature of the job itself. If I didn’t work with the same intensity would I have more left in the tank for other areas of my life? I hope so because if it is just the nature of the work will have to change careers. In any case it will be good to know which.

Whatever you say say it with with confidence.

ME: Imposed myself into a group of four guys (I knew one but noth the other three) looked them in the eyes & spoke loudly & with confidence giving my opinion on the football game we’d just watched.

THEM: Adopted positive body language turning their shoulder toward me & making eye contact.

Better.

“The years of gin have broken him & left him cold where he fitted in.”

As I leave the path of normal abnormality & become simply moderately immoderate I’ve realised there is another challenge. I need to rebuild the qualities which alcohol destroyed. The principle of these is assertiveness or more simply guts.

I wouldn’t say I was ever the bravest of the brave but I knew who I was & what I would not compromise on. As the booze took my confidence I developed bad habits. I stopped making eye contact, began to believe that compromise could be used in every situation. I became uncomfortable with any confrontation. It has to be recognised that confrontation is a part of life. Some things are objectionable & unacceptable & must be challenged.

I can feel the confidence returning with each new day of moderation. But it needs something extra. I need to take a stand in a few small ways so that when it comes to big plays I will back myself.

I need to

• look everyone in the eye.
• present confidence at all times through my voice & my body
• realise that people’s issues are their issues

I’ve got the itch to drink.

It is because I drank Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I didn’t get drunk except Friday & even then it wasn’t a heavy drunk.  Regardless I’ve got the itch.

Being cognizant of these patterns is one of the big gains of this blog. It is the awareness that keeps me ahead of the game. Helps me make the right choices.

I’ve got the itch but so what. I know how I got here & how’ll I’ll get out.

You know that time in your twenties where your a cheeky little f**k with an impish grin & the energy of a jungle cat?

Well all happy healthy people retain an element of that into later life. For me it disappeared a few years ago but really it had just been given a general anaesthetic by beer & spirits.

Mid April I took a weeks holiday during which we drank almost every night. Prior to that holiday & during it my inner imp was playing around. But by the end of the week he was going to sleep drugged on alcohol. Then I got back to my usual drinking rules & within a week he was back. But it took a week because like indulgence abstinence has a cumulative effect. It takes time. Especially as you get older.

I missed that little barsteward!

Three songs that every problem drinker should be aware of. Hope you like them…..

#1 - Gill Scott Heron - A true lyrical & musical genius.

#2 - Wet Wet Wet - Hold Back The River. A band which refuses to have any alcohol company sponsorship at their gigs. And yes I know it’s the Wets but you may be suprised to learn of their Soul roots.

#3 - Marillion - Going Under - The lead singer (drinks like a) ‘Fish’ was an alcoholic. This whole album was about his problem.

I seem to have moved from being a normal abnormal drinker to a moderately immoderate one. By which I mean I no longer drink like a drunken chaotic fool but rather get mildly smashed.

Progress? It doesn’t sound like much but my experience of life is much changed. I’m having new experiences like standing outside nightclubs fully compus mentus & able to make conversation. I even see people more drunk than me. Slavering aggressive drunken women mostly.

I deal with other drunks better now I’m less of one. I used to find them intimidating when I was too drunk to gauge the situation properly. I even used to think I had some how slighted them. Now I can see who has the moral force backing them up I know I’m steady enough to defend myself should it become necessary. Though now I can see far enough ahead to avoid those situations.

There is the new awareness of female body language. I’m so tuned in. No beer goggles either! Best of all I’ve refound the confidence & enthusiasm for talking to strangers. It helps when you haven’t got the black dog on your shoulder.

There are still some items on the to-do-list.

1. Break the mental association between alcohol & socialising. Right now I can’t go for a night out without a drink because I see it as essential to socialising.
2. Tail off the drinking toward the end of the night (I’ve tailed it off at the beginning & I drink slowly in the middle but I won’t stop till the lights go up)
3. When holidaying have a couple of nights off the sauce (I’m breaking the 2 nights in a row rule in these situations)

What is a control test? If I remember my science classes correctly you begin with a control test & document the results. Then you change one aspect of the way the test is administered & record the second set of results. If you are seeking to test six singular variables you would run seven tests. One control test & six variations. By the end you could tell what singular tests created what changes.

My attempts to moderate my drinking have many variables. But they have never been put to the test against the control test. Why? Well the environment where my drinking really became impossible was London. My feeling is that if there is one place which will act a true test of my moderation techniques (or variables) it is London.

So here I am in North London considering the weekends drinking. It wasn’t perfect but I have no memory loss and I’ve been able to stop myself lapsing into my old extreme ways. I drank a lot of shandy (that is one half lager, one half lemonade) & made sure to eat well before drinking. Crucially I didn’t drink at speed but rather paced myself. I could do with being a little more polished in my approach but it was a good start.