Cold Turkey
In stark contrast to my drinking days I have been sleeping like a baby lately. During my days of excess I’d wake up at 4am precisely, my mind racing with nervous energy, my eyes bloodshot with fatigue. And yes the cliche is true. You really do wonder who you are and what you’re doing with your life at those moments.
When I cut back my drinking something else happened. I began to have nightmares and wake up drenched in sweat. On many occasions I woke up fighting with imaginary opponents. My fists would be flailing out above me as if an opponent was levitating above my bed. It strikes me that this is symptomatic of withdrawal. I’d have thought this is the sort of thing that only happens to junkies but apparently not.
Now I sleep 7 hours or so, dream pleasantly and wake refreshed. There really is a greener valley over the next peak.
11 Month Update
It’s been 5 months since I wrote in here & 11 months since I started this blog.
So Have I been successful?
Certainly the intake has shrunk & memory loss is very rare & slight occurrence. It is now an unconscious habit to moderate. Before I really had to concentrate to do so. I still have my moments however but the problem has lessened and is far easier to reign in when I notice poor habits re-emerging.
I still drink a little too much as a cumulative amount over the week. Often I’ll drink four nights a week, though not huge amounts, and after the 4th get nights sweats. So I’m aiming to cut that down to three nights.
What are the differences in my life?
The biggest differences are all psychological. My personnel confidence has risen dramatically, my mood is one of optimism and not fear (On a daily basis I was fearful!) and I am simply happier. It is as if I re-discovered my youthful self after years lost in a fearful wilderness of drink induced depression & paranoia.
Another difference is that my personnel fitness has returned. I don’t mean I have lost weight or anything. Rather I can run miles without feeling my body screaming at me. I used to run a lot during my drinking days but hell it was painful.
My brains appear to be back too!
What have I learned?
That my alcohol problem was just one of poor habit. I’d been drinking in an excessive way for so long that it had become second nature. I had to re-programme myself into good habits simply by concentration & hard work.
I enjoy myself a lot more when I do drink by drinking moderately. Mainly because I am a lot more likeable.
What would I recommend to anyone in the same position?
There are many things you can do (see earlier entries) but if I had to recommend one it would be to have a written plan. This is the most popular entry on my blog. Clearly this is what people find useful and it certainly helped me. I probably achieve only 60% of it regularly but that was enough to change my life around.
What is there still to do?
I need to get it it down just a little more. Maybe 25% less over the week. This is not because I see any huge impact on my mental state any more but rather because it may be damaging my physical health. I am confident I can do this as these days I control alcohol it does not control me.
My specific target is to drink no more than 3 out of 7 nights and make sure I get 3 nights on the trot without any alcohol.
New Approach
I’ve noticed a bit of the old toxic behaviour creeping in so I’m going to try an AA technique. I’m simply going to count the days of moderation.
So today I can say……I am prone to excess & it has been three days since I last binged.
Funnily enough it was Friday the 13th when I last lost it.
A Social Drink
I noticed this weekend that I went from being a perfect gent to a bit of an arse. On Friday I was a moderate drinker & charming. On Saturday afternoon I was a ‘perfect gent’. From Saturday night onward (as the cumulative alcohol intake hit home) I became somewhat socailly inept, boorish & unelloquent.
There were moments where there was no talk, no dancing & so forth. In those moments I need to hold something in my hand & a drink it is. But it is self-defeating. I need to get comfortable in my own skin! Perhaps sometimes I just need to deal with awkward silences by staying awkward & not getting drunker.
It is another lesson on this road I am on.
But on the plus side I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be.
Psychology
I’ve noticed two thing recently.
Firstly I’m increasingly argumentative. Not quarrelsome but rather far more inclined to disagree with people. I take issue with small inaccuracies & debate them with a force their [lack of] importance does not merit. I found myself taking issue with the precise definition of a wormery the other day. What on earth for!
Secondly the impact of work. I went back to my old work for a 2 week stint. All that happy go lucky energy disappeared in the days following. My conversation became monosylabic & my ability to be positive & happy with people outside work disappeared. Is this a case of using up all my testosterone at work I wonder or is it the nature of the job itself. If I didn’t work with the same intensity would I have more left in the tank for other areas of my life? I hope so because if it is just the nature of the work will have to change careers. In any case it will be good to know which.
First Step
Whatever you say say it with with confidence.
ME: Imposed myself into a group of four guys (I knew one but noth the other three) looked them in the eyes & spoke loudly & with confidence giving my opinion on the football game we’d just watched.
THEM: Adopted positive body language turning their shoulder toward me & making eye contact.
Better.
Backing Myself
“The years of gin have broken him & left him cold where he fitted in.”
As I leave the path of normal abnormality & become simply moderately immoderate I’ve realised there is another challenge. I need to rebuild the qualities which alcohol destroyed. The principle of these is assertiveness or more simply guts.
I wouldn’t say I was ever the bravest of the brave but I knew who I was & what I would not compromise on. As the booze took my confidence I developed bad habits. I stopped making eye contact, began to believe that compromise could be used in every situation. I became uncomfortable with any confrontation. It has to be recognised that confrontation is a part of life. Some things are objectionable & unacceptable & must be challenged.
I can feel the confidence returning with each new day of moderation. But it needs something extra. I need to take a stand in a few small ways so that when it comes to big plays I will back myself.
I need to
- look everyone in the eye.
- present confidence at all times through my voice & my body
- realise that people’s issues are their issues
Monday Itch
I’ve got the itch to drink.
It is because I drank Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I didn’t get drunk except Friday & even then it wasn’t a heavy drunk. Regardless I’ve got the itch.
Being cognizant of these patterns is one of the big gains of this blog. It is the awareness that keeps me ahead of the game. Helps me make the right choices.
I’ve got the itch but so what. I know how I got here & how’ll I’ll get out.
Childlike Chipperness
You know that time in your twenties where your a cheeky little f**k with an impish grin & the energy of a jungle cat?
Well all happy healthy people retain an element of that into later life. For me it disappeared a few years ago but really it had just been given a general anaesthetic by beer & spirits.
Mid April I took a weeks holiday during which we drank almost every night. Prior to that holiday & during it my inner imp was playing around. But by the end of the week he was going to sleep drugged on alcohol. Then I got back to my usual drinking rules & within a week he was back. But it took a week because like indulgence abstinence has a cumulative effect. It takes time. Especially as you get older.
I missed that little barsteward!
Drinkers’ Triple Play
Three songs that every problem drinker should be aware of. Hope you like them…..
#1 – Gill Scott Heron – A true lyrical & musical genius.
#2 – Wet Wet Wet – Hold Back The River. A band which refuses to have any alcohol company sponsorship at their gigs. And yes I know it’s the Wets but you may be suprised to learn of their Soul roots.
#3 – Marillion – Going Under – The lead singer (drinks like a) ‘Fish’ was an alcoholic. This whole album was about his problem.
