Moderating In A More Challenging Environment Part II
The wheels came off. The consequences of utter social disaster were avoided by the narrowest of margins.
To complete my list of alcohol imbibed while in England:-
- Wednesday - none
- Thursday - 1 can lager (2.3 units)
- Friday - 0.5 bottle of wine, 2 * single gin, 1 pint (9.6 units)
- Saturday - 3 * bottled beer, 8 measures of gin, 1 pint (18 units)
- Sunday - none
In all 29.9 units. Plus 48 units (see previous post) makes…..
- 78 units in 9 days (or 3.5 times the safe weekly limit)
- 8.7 on average a day (2 times the daily safe limit)
- or 13 units on average for each actual drinking day (3 times the daily safe limit)
It is terrible when you see it all written down. Worst of all I have been less of a drunk this week than I used to be in normal life. I don’t even want to think of the health consequences of that.
On the last Saturday I really did lapse back into the old steaming drunk NormalAbnormalDrinker of old. I even told my lady friend that she was a ‘typical example of boring moderation’. Can you believe that! How twisted alcohol can make you!! I laughed my head off when she told me that in the morning. Fortunately so did she.
What to do about it? I successfully implemented 6 of 16 rules. About two thirds. I am drinking two thirds too much so maybe I should impliment the rest.
What would happen if I’d had one soft drink (as per the rules) on each night. That’s c.12 units knocked off. (66 total)
And if I’d gone to the cinema one night instead. Another 13 units off. (53)
And if I’d stopped at 10 units each other nights. (50)
That would be 20 units over 1.5 weeks allowance. Though that allowance isn’t exactly lax given the way we are in the UK.
So I can get a lot less unhealthy but I’d have to change my social focus (sport?) to really be within health limits.
Moderating In A More Challenging Environment
My success this year has come in the form of near total abstinence. This has been easy as I haven’t been out of the house to socialise. Last week I travelled to the South of England to see friends. This means socialising, pubs and meals. So how have I been getting on?
I’ve been here for six nights so far. The tally is as follows.
- Thursday - none.
- Friday (10.2 units) - 1 wine and 3 Fosters. Kept to my 10 unit limit. Noticed this made me a little drunk. This shows that 10 units is rally the outer limit. Should I be aiming for 8 units?
- Saturday - (11 units) Went to the Theatre. An ideal way of socialising where the main focus is not alcohol. 1 measure of gin pre-theatre, 1 large glass of wine during & later at home 3 measures of gin + 1 lager. Starting to edge into the danger zone as often happens when I drink more than one night in a row.
- Sunday (5.6 units) - Had a meal. My friend drank wine & I had coke. Drank c.4 measures of Gin when I got home.
- Monday (4.6 units) - 4 lager shandies. A little pacy with my friends but slower than my stressed out cousin. Need get into a good habit with drinking speed. Still too variable.
- Tuesday (11.4 units) - 1 small & two large glasses of wine & 1 pint. I was almost automatically checking my drinking speed during the meal. Though I was slightly drunk by the end of the night. I didn’t need that last pint.
On the positive side I’ve moderated with some success. I haven’t once been smashed and have taken steps to avoid that.
However the drinking is daily. I haven’t been able to abstain while others drink & I am bending my 10 unit limit too much. Considering 10 units is probably too much that is not good. Also I didn’t make the 21 units a week government recommendation. 42.8 in six days in a shocker.
Psychologically I have to break the idea that alcohol = sociability. An occasion won’t be awkward just because I am not drinking. I drank most days because I’ve been social most days.
I need to socialize without alcohol as a habit forming exercise. Recent experience has shown that habits can be broken and created without herculean efforts. I’ve been surprised to see some unthinking acts of moderation & control creeping into my behaviour.
The Phantom Bottle of Becks
It’s haunting me that damn green goblin in the fridge. Why haven’t I poured it down the sink? As a test I think.
Take right now for example. Work & emotional stress is swirling around my system. It 11pm so I can’t buy alcohol. If there was none in the house would it prove I could resist it. Nope. It’s there so I can train myself not to drink when I’m stressed. Get into a good habit.
I’ll drink it one day when there are no triggers.
Right now I’ll just play my guitar. Did I mention I bought a beautiful dark blue Yamaha. It has been 17 years since I played. I didn’t take to it back then but I’m coming on in leaps & bounds! Top 3 songs I want to play….when I am a guitar god:
- Cold War Kids - We used to Vacation
- Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
- Neil Young - The Needle & the Damage Done *
* May be replaced by a cheerier song when spring arrives
Intuitive vs Controlled
The delight of studying full time is the spiders web of knowledge you acquire. When reading material from one area suddenly a connection to another previously studied area becomes apparent. These areas may be intra or inter subject. Sometime they will even cross from arts to science. Like a wormhole connecting distant parts of the galaxy. Unfortunately work life never produced such fascinating connections. Though now I’ve left the corporate world I am beginning to get back in the swing of it. The skill it seems never leaves.
Today I was reading serialised exerts from ‘The Clintons at the White House’ by Sally Bedell. Ordinarily I’d just accept it at face value but the act of writing this blog has awakened that hunt for connections. Though now I’m seeing connectivity between personal experiences. Some of the quotes chimed with current thoughts on my social self.
Take this one about Bill’s legendary ability to connect with people:
“Above all he was intuitive. ‘He was capable of constant emotional scans of everyone in the room while he was thinking.’ Recalled one close Clinton associate. ‘He could recognise, quantify and calibrate a response to the emotional state of the person with him.’ “
This I cannot do. Though after reading this I can at-least visualise it. Why can he do this?
‘Another side of him was classic alpha male, supremely self confident and tough and capable of a fearsome temper’.
I think these two are connected (unlike the author). He could emotionally connect but was tough enough to deal with it if it went wrong. Being outgoing involves some risk after all.
The contrast is Hillary who once said:
‘Unthinking emotion is pitiful to me’
I can connect with people when I have something to accomplish. At work for example I had to have my team on-side. But if there is no clear goal I can’t do it.
So I am Hillary not Bill. Disturbing 
A Glass of Wine
I am supposed to be learning moderation but this can’t be learnt through complete abstinence. I want to have some practise in a controlled environment before I find myself in a rowdy bar with people offering me drinks.
Last night I had a glass of wine. I had a look at myself before I took it. I wasn’t craving alcohol, I wasn’t tired & there was no awkward social dynamic. Also it was red and complimented my pasta so in some ways it had a purpose beyond just alcohol. Afterward I had two cups of tea. Then I simply left the table and got engrossed in a war film. A little later I got a craving for that bottle of Becks in the fridge. It came close but after five minutes it was gone. If I don’t have a drink today (and I won’t!) I will consider that successful moderation.
It is a crazy situation where I have to put this much thought into a simple glass of red. The point of these exercises must be for moderation to become habitual just as excess once was.
NB : I’ve added wine to my post on the practicalities of moderation.
Nature Abhors a Vacuum
I spent a large part of today reading ‘Road To Recovery’. I found a lot of cross-over in our reasons for problem drinking & said so in a comment. Unfortunately I think I sounded a little like a patronising parent which was not my intention. Apologies to Josh if he is reading.
I’d like to pick up on one common redemptive theme. Josh chronicles a re-discovery of his pre-drinking interests. Writing a novel for example.
Before I was a heavy drinker I had a lot of intellectual curiosity, I read the broadsheets & a lot of non-fiction and I always wanted to write. But hangovers destroy the intellect. My attention span shrank in proportion with my vocabulary & vitality. I was stupefied.
Before I became soaked in toxin I was vain about my body. I’d pump weights, run & play football (badly). Have you ever tried playing 90 minutes drunk or with an appalling hangover? I did this regularly in my early twenties. As I got older I gave up these things one by one. Even playing fives 24 hours after a session was difficult. Jogging was the only exercise I periodically returned to and it was painful every time.
I know there are examples of achievers who could function & drink heavily. Churchill, Jeffrey Bernard (imperfectly so) & some athletes for example. But for me drunkenness & hangovers are extremely limiting. In fact the only thing I could do with a hangover was have another drink.
With the drastic cutbacks in consumption I’ve noticed the return of interests. Like nature returning to reclaim an abandoned city. During late summer I ran every 48 hours. Then I joined the gym where I pushed weights. As my curiosity came back I took boxing lessons. I renewed my library membership. Then I started blogging. In parallel I’ve been developing a new money making venture. Just this week I bought a guitar and I’m teaching myself to play from scratch.
These activities aren’t part of some master-plan. It is just my nature re-asserting itself in the space alcohol double parked in.
Resisting a Trigger
Last night I had my first real craving for alcohol since New Year. It stemmed from tiredness, boredom and the habit of Friday night drinking. There was only one beer in the fridge and the off licence was closed so it would be easy to moderate. Yet it would have been a mistake. There are three reasons:
- First & foremost I would be giving in to triggers. Very bad.
- I am trying to break old habits & routine. Drinking in the house on my own is one of them.
- It was after 11pm. I try not to drink close to bedtime as it ruins my sleep which somehow stimulates my drinking impulses the next day.
I woke up this morning after a solid 7 hours sleep feeling great. You can’t beat that.
Lent
In researching ABV I came across this following links:
Alcohol Free Shop & Alcohol Free Week
I must admit to cringing at both. For the former it is the drinkers cringe. The cringe that dismisses out of hand anything which contradicts our proud & foolish tradition of hard drinking. Yet on reflection I have drunk alcohol free Becks when someone bought it accidentally. In all honesty I couldn’t taste the difference.
For the latter it is an anti-fad cringe. The fad of having a week & a day for every cause & needy group. But again a closer look changes my mind. Alcohol Free Week is piggybacking on week one of Lent (21st Feb). It is simply a re-working of an old tradition. I could see myself doing this one.
Coucillor Session 2
It’s Friday night and I am wondering what to do with my weekend. I am a little bored & given the time of the week that spells danger. So as a distraction I’ll blog about my latest visit to ‘Bill’.
Practicals
The first part of the meeting was easy for me as we dealt with the very practical aspect of planning. He liked the plan I came up with in the last blog and didn’t add anything to it. Rather he pushed me a little on anything that might be unachievable (nothing in my opinion) and my knowledge of ABV (alcohol by volume) & its relation to units.
I hadn’t really though much about ABV & units previously which is a shame because it provides logic. They were unheard of when I began drinking. I suppose because drinking is something I am so used to I’ve never re-appraised it in the light of this new measure. I’m guessing 10 units consumed slowly would get me on the edge of ‘happy’ and slightly drunk. Using this as a provisional upper limit consider the following:
- 1 pint of Fosters: 4% abv : 2.3 unit
- 1 pint of Kronenburg: 5% : 2.9 units
- 1 pint of Stella: 5.2% abv : 3 units
Therefore:
- 4 x Fosters = 9.2 units (’happy’/drunk border)
- 4 x Kronenburg = 11.2 (solidly drunk)
- 4 x Stella = 12 units (solidly drunk)
Stella & Kronenburg are 20% stronger by ABV & c.25% stronger by unit. These are big percentages when multiplied out through the course of a night. While I knew the pecking order of strength I didn’t realise the magnitude. Normally I drink Fosters anyway but if it isn’t supplied or they are out I’ll take Kronenburg and as a last resort Stella. Never again.
- Single 20ml 40% spirit (eg J.D. or Vodka) - 1.4 units
- Double 20ml 40% spirit (eg J.D. or Vodka) - 2.8 units
Therefore 7 measures hits my provisional limit. But consider that:
- Many bars serve doubles as standard with no single option.
- Rounds of shots which are drunk instantly with no mixer (my worst nightmare)
- People at parties don’t use measures & always are generous (should always count these as double or even triples!)
What genuinely surprises me is that I could drink seven single shorts with mixer and have the same unit count as 4 pints of Fosters. Which means if I got stuck in a round with pint drinkers I’d be on 5.6 units by the end of the 4th round. Nearly half as much!
- 250ml glass of wine - 12% abv - 3 units
- 750ml bottle of wine - 12% - 9 units
A glass of wine is as strong as Stella! And a bottle is akin to three Stella. That is another huge surprise. And if I drank a bottle I’d be under my prospective 10 unit limits but I’m sure I’d be drunk.
I think I’ll need some sort of cheat sheet in my wallet to calculate any complex drink combos.
Psychology
I felt we made progress so I am not too concerned with his credentials. Yet I do wonder whether he is qualified to delve into my psyche. If you’ve ever had this done you may agree it is an unusual and unbalancing experience. What is clear is that it is a lot harder than calculating drink strength.
He took me through an interesting exercise. Previously we have identified social situations as a trigger because I often feel awkward in them. He got me to describe a particular situation, then I relived my awkwardness but he asked me to stay with that feeling. I focused on it and I could feel the physical sensation of it acutely. First it was in my stomach, then it moved to head feeling like a halo of heat. My ability to express myself disappeared, so did my clarity of thought & couldn’t look at Bill. Then it travelled downward through my neck, chest & stomach & i felt it leave. Through my ass! Although Bill says it is more likely that it found my center in my stomach
Freaky stuff. What am I supposed to draw from that. Perhaps it is simply to know what I am feeling so I can recognise it and deal with it or atleast not react to it.
The rest of the session was taken up with me explaining my social self & him repeatedly concluding that I beat myself up way too much. He kept saying it is ok to be awkward & that everyone else feels awkward too. If I stood in Sauchiehall St I wouldn’t be alone in that feeling.
Is a lack of confidence at the root of everything. Probably & alcohol doesn’t help. I’m much less anxious & funnier without it. I mean who wants to talk to a drunk. Not me anyway.
Moderate Drinking Plan
At the start of 2007 my drinking was daily & heavy. Over the year it has become far less frequent. It was second nature to drink when not working. Now it is habit not to drink. I am far more likely to crave tea than alcohol.
As I write I haven’t had a drink in nine days and have done so almost effortlessly. I can’t tell you how good I feel both physically & mentally. Earlier I talked to an old friend who describes me as prone to depression. She sees the alcohol as a symptom of the mental state. What I now know is that it is the other way round. Take away the alcohol and feel 100% positive as nature intended me to be.
However I have not mastered moderation when I do drink. I have had some small successes but it requires concentrated effort and it is easy to slip up. I don’t have the control & it is certainly not habit. In fact my habit of binging is still with me.
So this years challenge is to drink moderately. I want this to become second nature. I am meeting my councillor tomorrow to create a plan for when I drink socially. I will make a stab at it now so I get the most out of this meeting.
Triggers - social awkwardness (especially groups), stress, tiredness.
General -
- Drink in the afternoon or evening not both.
- Don’t drink two days in a row.
- Stay under the 21 unit weekly safety limit.
- Avoid heavy drinkers (if unavoidable be extra wary).
- Remember how good you feel now & how bad it has been.
Before Going Out -
- Understand my tolerance & frame that within the timescale. What is my upper limit and how do I avoid breaching it.
- Decide on my stopping criteria.
- It is better to be a sober & awkward than drunk & a fool.
- Eat
- Read the rules
When Out -
- Deal with triggers before drinking. Stress usually hits me in a wave which dissapates within thirty minutes. Breaking the ice, engaging in conversation, making a joke will make me feel more comfortable.
- The first drink should be a soft drink. I tend to neck the first drink and thus set myself up for continued quick drinking.
- Watch the speed. It should be measured against the slowest person. If your first your in trouble.
- Resist peer pressure & don’t drink something you didn’t ask for. Ask for weaker drinks.
- Stay atleast one drink behind (skip rounds & leave drinks rather than down, have a spacer not a chaser).
- Obey stopping criteria.
