Cold Turkey
In stark contrast to my drinking days I have been sleeping like a baby lately. During my days of excess I’d wake up at 4am precisely, my mind racing with nervous energy, my eyes bloodshot with fatigue. And yes the cliche is true. You really do wonder who you are and what you’re doing with your life at those moments.
When I cut back my drinking something else happened. I began to have nightmares and wake up drenched in sweat. On many occasions I woke up fighting with imaginary opponents. My fists would be flailing out above me as if an opponent was levitating above my bed. It strikes me that this is symptomatic of withdrawal. I’d have thought this is the sort of thing that only happens to junkies but apparently not.
Now I sleep 7 hours or so, dream pleasantly and wake refreshed. There really is a greener valley over the next peak.
11 Month Update
It’s been 5 months since I wrote in here & 11 months since I started this blog.
So Have I been successful?
Certainly the intake has shrunk & memory loss is very rare & slight occurrence. It is now an unconscious habit to moderate. Before I really had to concentrate to do so. I still have my moments however but the problem has lessened and is far easier to reign in when I notice poor habits re-emerging.
I still drink a little too much as a cumulative amount over the week. Often I’ll drink four nights a week, though not huge amounts, and after the 4th get nights sweats. So I’m aiming to cut that down to three nights.
What are the differences in my life?
The biggest differences are all psychological. My personnel confidence has risen dramatically, my mood is one of optimism and not fear (On a daily basis I was fearful!) and I am simply happier. It is as if I re-discovered my youthful self after years lost in a fearful wilderness of drink induced depression & paranoia.
Another difference is that my personnel fitness has returned. I don’t mean I have lost weight or anything. Rather I can run miles without feeling my body screaming at me. I used to run a lot during my drinking days but hell it was painful.
My brains appear to be back too!
What have I learned?
That my alcohol problem was just one of poor habit. I’d been drinking in an excessive way for so long that it had become second nature. I had to re-programme myself into good habits simply by concentration & hard work.
I enjoy myself a lot more when I do drink by drinking moderately. Mainly because I am a lot more likeable.
What would I recommend to anyone in the same position?
There are many things you can do (see earlier entries) but if I had to recommend one it would be to have a written plan. This is the most popular entry on my blog. Clearly this is what people find useful and it certainly helped me. I probably achieve only 60% of it regularly but that was enough to change my life around.
What is there still to do?
I need to get it it down just a little more. Maybe 25% less over the week. This is not because I see any huge impact on my mental state any more but rather because it may be damaging my physical health. I am confident I can do this as these days I control alcohol it does not control me.
My specific target is to drink no more than 3 out of 7 nights and make sure I get 3 nights on the trot without any alcohol.
Psychology
I’ve noticed two thing recently.
Firstly I’m increasingly argumentative. Not quarrelsome but rather far more inclined to disagree with people. I take issue with small inaccuracies & debate them with a force their [lack of] importance does not merit. I found myself taking issue with the precise definition of a wormery the other day. What on earth for!
Secondly the impact of work. I went back to my old work for a 2 week stint. All that happy go lucky energy disappeared in the days following. My conversation became monosylabic & my ability to be positive & happy with people outside work disappeared. Is this a case of using up all my testosterone at work I wonder or is it the nature of the job itself. If I didn’t work with the same intensity would I have more left in the tank for other areas of my life? I hope so because if it is just the nature of the work will have to change careers. In any case it will be good to know which.
Backing Myself
“The years of gin have broken him & left him cold where he fitted in.”
As I leave the path of normal abnormality & become simply moderately immoderate I’ve realised there is another challenge. I need to rebuild the qualities which alcohol destroyed. The principle of these is assertiveness or more simply guts.
I wouldn’t say I was ever the bravest of the brave but I knew who I was & what I would not compromise on. As the booze took my confidence I developed bad habits. I stopped making eye contact, began to believe that compromise could be used in every situation. I became uncomfortable with any confrontation. It has to be recognised that confrontation is a part of life. Some things are objectionable & unacceptable & must be challenged.
I can feel the confidence returning with each new day of moderation. But it needs something extra. I need to take a stand in a few small ways so that when it comes to big plays I will back myself.
I need to
- look everyone in the eye.
- present confidence at all times through my voice & my body
- realise that people’s issues are their issues
Monday Itch
I’ve got the itch to drink.
It is because I drank Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I didn’t get drunk except Friday & even then it wasn’t a heavy drunk. Regardless I’ve got the itch.
Being cognizant of these patterns is one of the big gains of this blog. It is the awareness that keeps me ahead of the game. Helps me make the right choices.
I’ve got the itch but so what. I know how I got here & how’ll I’ll get out.
Moderately Unmoderate
I seem to have moved from being a normal abnormal drinker to a moderately immoderate one. By which I mean I no longer drink like a drunken chaotic fool but rather get mildly smashed.
Progress? It doesn’t sound like much but my experience of life is much changed. I’m having new experiences like standing outside nightclubs fully compus mentus & able to make conversation. I even see people more drunk than me. Slavering aggressive drunken women mostly.
I deal with other drunks better now I’m less of one. I used to find them intimidating when I was too drunk to gauge the situation properly. I even used to think I had some how slighted them. Now I can see who has the moral force backing them up I know I’m steady enough to defend myself should it become necessary. Though now I can see far enough ahead to avoid those situations.
There is the new awareness of female body language. I’m so tuned in. No beer goggles either! Best of all I’ve refound the confidence & enthusiasm for talking to strangers. It helps when you haven’t got the black dog on your shoulder.
There are still some items on the to-do-list.
- Break the mental association between alcohol & socialising. Right now I can’t go for a night out without a drink because I see it as essential to socialising.
- Tail off the drinking toward the end of the night (I’ve tailed it off at the beginning & I drink slowly in the middle but I won’t stop till the lights go up)
- When holidaying have a couple of nights off the sauce (I’m breaking the 2 nights in a row rule in these situations)
A Real Control Test
What is a control test? If I remember my science classes correctly you begin with a control test & document the results. Then you change one aspect of the way the test is administered & record the second set of results. If you are seeking to test six singular variables you would run seven tests. One control test & six variations. By the end you could tell what singular tests created what changes.
My attempts to moderate my drinking have many variables. But they have never been put to the test against the control test. Why? Well the environment where my drinking really became impossible was London. My feeling is that if there is one place which will act a true test of my moderation techniques (or variables) it is London.
So here I am in North London considering the weekends drinking. It wasn’t perfect but I have no memory loss and I’ve been able to stop myself lapsing into my old extreme ways. I drank a lot of shandy (that is one half lager, one half lemonade) & made sure to eat well before drinking. Crucially I didn’t drink at speed but rather paced myself. I could do with being a little more polished in my approach but it was a good start.
More WP Search Terms
‘i binge drink it makes me paranoid’
It’s not just drugs that make you paranoid. Having a hangover can have similar effects to a drug comedown. I found prolonged exposure to alcohol made my hangovers mental battles. I’d have a lot of negative thoughts & a general feeling of fear. The combination is paranoia.
I can still remember the last hangover of this type I had. I was sitting in the sun in my back garden on a beautiful summers day. The birds were singing & my family were making lunch. All was good in the world but in my head there was a battle going on. It was horrible.
I’ve had the occasional hangover since but none of the mental symptoms. This is because I am now only an occasional drinker. The effects of alcohol are cumulative. The toxicity builds up, the damage isn’t repaired fast enough and then you pour more fuel on the fire. That is when the paranoia kicks in.
And don’t forget alcohol affects your sleep which is crucial to mental health!
Rejoining The World
My brother said I was turning into a recluse the other day. He’s right but he doesn’t know why. It’s been easier to set things straight by removing myself from the world. Plus I was generally tired of life & a break from society really helped me re-find my enthusiasm.
Now I’ve reached a significant milestone (see last post) I think I’ll re-join the human race. This has potential pitfalls but with the worst of my alcohol habits behind me & my re-found ability to make positive choices I’m confident it will be ok.
Some things I am looking forward to:
- My own flat with NO housemates.
- Strumming my guitar on the suntrap of a balcony
- Making some new friends.
- Meeting women that make the pulse race.
- Driving my car to the country & lazing in a sunny meadow.
- The rest of my beautiful & interesting life.
Wow!
Have you ever practised something hard for a long time it eventually slips into place without you be aware of it? I’ve realised that my craving for alcohol has acquiesced. I’ve stopped thinking about it & the odd thing is I didn’t even notice. It donned slippers & crept off!
As I’ve cut down it has waned but I’d still get it on a Friday night or after I’d had a couple of pints. But the need has just left me. I haven’t even thought about alcohol since I last drank 10 days ago. And I stopped at 4.6 units not really enjoying the drinks.
Wow! To not even think about it is something else. I’m really really happy to have got to this stage 
