11 Month Update
It’s been 5 months since I wrote in here & 11 months since I started this blog.
So Have I been successful?
Certainly the intake has shrunk & memory loss is very rare & slight occurrence. It is now an unconscious habit to moderate. Before I really had to concentrate to do so. I still have my moments however but the problem has lessened and is far easier to reign in when I notice poor habits re-emerging.
I still drink a little too much as a cumulative amount over the week. Often I’ll drink four nights a week, though not huge amounts, and after the 4th get nights sweats. So I’m aiming to cut that down to three nights.
What are the differences in my life?
The biggest differences are all psychological. My personnel confidence has risen dramatically, my mood is one of optimism and not fear (On a daily basis I was fearful!) and I am simply happier. It is as if I re-discovered my youthful self after years lost in a fearful wilderness of drink induced depression & paranoia.
Another difference is that my personnel fitness has returned. I don’t mean I have lost weight or anything. Rather I can run miles without feeling my body screaming at me. I used to run a lot during my drinking days but hell it was painful.
My brains appear to be back too!
What have I learned?
That my alcohol problem was just one of poor habit. I’d been drinking in an excessive way for so long that it had become second nature. I had to re-programme myself into good habits simply by concentration & hard work.
I enjoy myself a lot more when I do drink by drinking moderately. Mainly because I am a lot more likeable.
What would I recommend to anyone in the same position?
There are many things you can do (see earlier entries) but if I had to recommend one it would be to have a written plan. This is the most popular entry on my blog. Clearly this is what people find useful and it certainly helped me. I probably achieve only 60% of it regularly but that was enough to change my life around.
What is there still to do?
I need to get it it down just a little more. Maybe 25% less over the week. This is not because I see any huge impact on my mental state any more but rather because it may be damaging my physical health. I am confident I can do this as these days I control alcohol it does not control me.
My specific target is to drink no more than 3 out of 7 nights and make sure I get 3 nights on the trot without any alcohol.
A Social Drink
I noticed this weekend that I went from being a perfect gent to a bit of an arse. On Friday I was a moderate drinker & charming. On Saturday afternoon I was a ‘perfect gent’. From Saturday night onward (as the cumulative alcohol intake hit home) I became somewhat socailly inept, boorish & unelloquent.
There were moments where there was no talk, no dancing & so forth. In those moments I need to hold something in my hand & a drink it is. But it is self-defeating. I need to get comfortable in my own skin! Perhaps sometimes I just need to deal with awkward silences by staying awkward & not getting drunker.
It is another lesson on this road I am on.
But on the plus side I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be.
Moderately Unmoderate
I seem to have moved from being a normal abnormal drinker to a moderately immoderate one. By which I mean I no longer drink like a drunken chaotic fool but rather get mildly smashed.
Progress? It doesn’t sound like much but my experience of life is much changed. I’m having new experiences like standing outside nightclubs fully compus mentus & able to make conversation. I even see people more drunk than me. Slavering aggressive drunken women mostly.
I deal with other drunks better now I’m less of one. I used to find them intimidating when I was too drunk to gauge the situation properly. I even used to think I had some how slighted them. Now I can see who has the moral force backing them up I know I’m steady enough to defend myself should it become necessary. Though now I can see far enough ahead to avoid those situations.
There is the new awareness of female body language. I’m so tuned in. No beer goggles either! Best of all I’ve refound the confidence & enthusiasm for talking to strangers. It helps when you haven’t got the black dog on your shoulder.
There are still some items on the to-do-list.
- Break the mental association between alcohol & socialising. Right now I can’t go for a night out without a drink because I see it as essential to socialising.
- Tail off the drinking toward the end of the night (I’ve tailed it off at the beginning & I drink slowly in the middle but I won’t stop till the lights go up)
- When holidaying have a couple of nights off the sauce (I’m breaking the 2 nights in a row rule in these situations)
A Real Control Test
What is a control test? If I remember my science classes correctly you begin with a control test & document the results. Then you change one aspect of the way the test is administered & record the second set of results. If you are seeking to test six singular variables you would run seven tests. One control test & six variations. By the end you could tell what singular tests created what changes.
My attempts to moderate my drinking have many variables. But they have never been put to the test against the control test. Why? Well the environment where my drinking really became impossible was London. My feeling is that if there is one place which will act a true test of my moderation techniques (or variables) it is London.
So here I am in North London considering the weekends drinking. It wasn’t perfect but I have no memory loss and I’ve been able to stop myself lapsing into my old extreme ways. I drank a lot of shandy (that is one half lager, one half lemonade) & made sure to eat well before drinking. Crucially I didn’t drink at speed but rather paced myself. I could do with being a little more polished in my approach but it was a good start.
Rejoining The World
My brother said I was turning into a recluse the other day. He’s right but he doesn’t know why. It’s been easier to set things straight by removing myself from the world. Plus I was generally tired of life & a break from society really helped me re-find my enthusiasm.
Now I’ve reached a significant milestone (see last post) I think I’ll re-join the human race. This has potential pitfalls but with the worst of my alcohol habits behind me & my re-found ability to make positive choices I’m confident it will be ok.
Some things I am looking forward to:
- My own flat with NO housemates.
- Strumming my guitar on the suntrap of a balcony
- Making some new friends.
- Meeting women that make the pulse race.
- Driving my car to the country & lazing in a sunny meadow.
- The rest of my beautiful & interesting life.
A Bit of Normal Abnormalness
I’ve been going stir-crazy at home so I went out in Edinburgh on Saturday night. This is the first time I’ve had a proper night out in at-least 2 months. The bad news is I slipped up. I can’t remember the end of the party last night or how I got home. I broke a lot of my drinking rules.
I can actually pin-point the moment I lost control. I’d been drinking shandy (lager & lemonade) & talking a lot. But then in another bar I was offered a drink even though I already had one. So I caved and asked for a G & T. Hey presto I was double parking. A drink in each hand. After that the pace just quickened and I didn’t at any point think about stopping. I didn’t even count the number of drinks I’d had let alone the units.
Yet there are positives. I did actually follow a lot of rules. For example I refused all drinks in the early evening, all drinks before food, I drank shandy for the first few hours and I didn’t take a hair of the dog. And I did this all as if it was second nature!
So the next step is to make the rest of my rules habitual. I really need to how much I’m imbibing & how quickly. And crucially I need to be able to sit at a party during a pause in conversation and not reach for my bottle. To be uncomfortable without it acting as a trigger.
On another note. Did the alcohol actually enhance my evening? If there is a spectrum from sober to messy drunk I’d say booze ceases to be an enabler after the merry stage. About 3 pints. Up till then I was really enjoying the people & I think they were warming to me. I was actually being quite charming….shocker! After that they were still cool with me but I couldn’t think quick enough to amuse & entertain. Also I was chatting to this really intelligent interesting & attractive girl. Intelligence is just such a turn on for me. But while I did get a kiss I don’t have a phone number. And I would have if I’d been a bit more compus mentus at the party.
The crux is that I had a the best time when I was sober or merry & the rest was just ok.
Moderating In A More Challenging Environment Part II
The wheels came off. The consequences of utter social disaster were avoided by the narrowest of margins.
To complete my list of alcohol imbibed while in England:-
- Wednesday – none
- Thursday – 1 can lager (2.3 units)
- Friday – 0.5 bottle of wine, 2 * single gin, 1 pint (9.6 units)
- Saturday – 3 * bottled beer, 8 measures of gin, 1 pint (18 units)
- Sunday – none
In all 29.9 units. Plus 48 units (see previous post) makes…..
- 78 units in 9 days (or 3.5 times the safe weekly limit)
- 8.7 on average a day (2 times the daily safe limit)
- or 13 units on average for each actual drinking day (3 times the daily safe limit)
It is terrible when you see it all written down. Worst of all I have been less of a drunk this week than I used to be in normal life. I don’t even want to think of the health consequences of that.
On the last Saturday I really did lapse back into the old steaming drunk NormalAbnormalDrinker of old. I even told my lady friend that she was a ‘typical example of boring moderation’. Can you believe that! How twisted alcohol can make you!! I laughed my head off when she told me that in the morning. Fortunately so did she.
What to do about it? I successfully implemented 6 of 16 rules. About two thirds. I am drinking two thirds too much so maybe I should impliment the rest.
What would happen if I’d had one soft drink (as per the rules) on each night. That’s c.12 units knocked off. (66 total)
And if I’d gone to the cinema one night instead. Another 13 units off. (53)
And if I’d stopped at 10 units each other nights. (50)
That would be 20 units over 1.5 weeks allowance. Though that allowance isn’t exactly lax given the way we are in the UK.
So I can get a lot less unhealthy but I’d have to change my social focus (sport?) to really be within health limits.
Moderate Drinking Plan
At the start of 2007 my drinking was daily & heavy. Over the year it has become far less frequent. It was second nature to drink when not working. Now it is habit not to drink. I am far more likely to crave tea than alcohol.
As I write I haven’t had a drink in nine days and have done so almost effortlessly. I can’t tell you how good I feel both physically & mentally. Earlier I talked to an old friend who describes me as prone to depression. She sees the alcohol as a symptom of the mental state. What I now know is that it is the other way round. Take away the alcohol and feel 100% positive as nature intended me to be.
However I have not mastered moderation when I do drink. I have had some small successes but it requires concentrated effort and it is easy to slip up. I don’t have the control & it is certainly not habit. In fact my habit of binging is still with me.
So this years challenge is to drink moderately. I want this to become second nature. I am meeting my councillor tomorrow to create a plan for when I drink socially. I will make a stab at it now so I get the most out of this meeting.
Triggers – social awkwardness (especially groups), stress, tiredness.
General -
- Drink in the afternoon or evening not both.
- Don’t drink two days in a row.
- Stay under the 21 unit weekly safety limit.
- Avoid heavy drinkers (if unavoidable be extra wary).
- Remember how good you feel now & how bad it has been.
Before Going Out –
- Understand my tolerance & frame that within the timescale. What is my upper limit and how do I avoid breaching it.
- Decide on my stopping criteria.
- It is better to be a sober & awkward than drunk & a fool.
- Eat
- Read the rules
When Out -
- Deal with triggers before drinking. Stress usually hits me in a wave which dissapates within thirty minutes. Breaking the ice, engaging in conversation, making a joke will make me feel more comfortable.
- The first drink should be a soft drink. I tend to neck the first drink and thus set myself up for continued quick drinking.
- Watch the speed. It should be measured against the slowest person. If your first your in trouble.
- Resist peer pressure & don’t drink something you didn’t ask for. Ask for weaker drinks.
- Stay atleast one drink behind (skip rounds & leave drinks rather than down, have a spacer not a chaser).
- Obey stopping criteria.
