To think ‘I wasted my life’ isn’t even the most extreme thought. Back in my heavy drinking period I thought about death a lot. The strange thing is this all seemed very normal at the time. Even now I have to tell myself that it’s just a hangover as these thoughts seem so normal when I am having them.

As noted above it takes 3 days to feel normal again.  So consider this, if I have two evenly spaced drinking sessions twice a week when is it that I get to feel normal?   Hungover paranoia becomes the new normal.

And people tell you alcohol isn’t a drug!

I seem to be unconsciously retreating even further from alcohol.  Drinking water when others are drinking alcohol, turning down nights out when I’ve had a drink the day before.  But this isn’t planned. It is an unconcious decision. I wonder if this is simply the next stage in my evolution away from my old ways. Perhaps I’ve come to enjoy the sobriety, the control, the positivity that moderation brings.  Is it these things I now crave? Could this be a positive choice to get more of these things rather that a negative choice to deny myself alcohol. Or perhaps it is the appearance of a woman in my life that is fairly moderate herself and very entertaining outside a pub.

I also told someone about this entire journey the other day. The only person I’ve told other than the alcohol councillor. A sign of being in control and happy.

It feels easy now and I sometimes wonder what all the fuss was about. I feel as if I was being dramatic. Yet when I re-read this blog I realise that I wasn’t. It took a lot of thought, patience & discipline to correct my lifelong bad habits.

Now it’s January 2010 and I’m thinking about other more subtle habits I need to break. Other behaviours I wish to drop and replace. Dropping the excess drinking gives a person the space and clarity to tidy up other areas. So that is what I will spend 2010 doing. Tweaking and tinkering with the simple goal of maximizing happiness.

Have a happy 2010 everyone!

Why didn’t I have to try? I now unconsciously moderate. As I’ve stated before I had bad habits and over time I’ve replaced them with good ones. Constant repetition of the steps in my plan has ingrained them within my subconscious.  Constant vigilance is difficult in a society where alcohol is ubiquitous so habits are important. It’s a safety net for when you forget yourself.

It is worth noting that I did actually put a lot of alcohol away this Xmas. I spent many evenings in the pub and even went on a few pub crawls. But I managed the intake so I was  happy or merry and not drunk. Well maybe a little! But the point is I was compos mentis, witty, friendly, happy and so on. This was in stark relief to people who were swaying, slurring & arguing. If I ever needed validation for what I have tried to achieve it is looking at these people.

When I cut back my drinking something else happened. I began to have nightmares and wake up drenched in  sweat.  On many occasions I woke up fighting with imaginary opponents. My fists would be flailing out above me as if an opponent was levitating above my bed. It strikes me that this is symptomatic of withdrawal. I’d have thought this is the sort of thing that only happens to junkies but apparently not.

Now I sleep 7 hours or so, dream pleasantly and wake refreshed. There really is a greener valley over the next peak.

So Have I been successful?

Certainly the intake has shrunk & memory loss is very rare & slight occurrence. It is now an unconscious habit to moderate. Before I really had to concentrate to do so. I still have my moments however but the problem has lessened and is far easier to reign in when I notice poor habits re-emerging.

I still drink a little too much as a cumulative amount over the week. Often I’ll drink four nights a week, though not huge amounts, and after the 4th get nights sweats. So I’m aiming to cut that down to three nights.

What are the differences in my life?

The biggest differences are all psychological. My personal confidence has risen dramatically, my mood is one of optimism and not fear (On a daily basis I was fearful!) and I am simply happier. It is as if I re-discovered my youthful self after years lost in a fearful wilderness of drink induced depression & paranoia.

Another difference is that my personal fitness has returned. I don’t mean I have lost weight or anything. Rather I can run miles without feeling my body screaming at me. I used to run a lot during my drinking days but hell it was painful.

My brains appear to be back too!

What have I learned?

That my alcohol problem was just one of poor habit. I’d been drinking in an excessive way for so long that it had become second nature. I had to re-programme myself into good habits simply by concentration & hard work.

I enjoy myself a lot more when I do drink by drinking moderately. Mainly because I am a lot more likeable.

What would I recommend to anyone in the same position?

There are many things you can do (see earlier entries) but if I had to recommend one it would be to have a written plan. This is the most popular entry on my blog. Clearly this is what people find useful and it certainly helped me. I probably achieve only 60% of it regularly but that was enough to change my life around.

What is there still to do?

I need to get it it down just a little more. Maybe 25% less over the week. This is not because I see any huge impact on my mental state any more but rather because it may be damaging my physical health. I am confident I can do this as these days I control alcohol it does not control me.

My specific target is to drink no more than 3 out of 7 nights and make sure I get 3 nights on the trot without any alcohol.

So today I can say……I am prone to excess & it has been three days since I last binged.

Funnily enough it was Friday the 13th when I last lost it.

There were moments where there was no talk, no dancing & so forth. In those moments I need to hold something in my hand & a drink it is. But it is self-defeating. I need to get comfortable in my own skin! Perhaps sometimes I just need to deal with awkward silences by staying awkward & not getting drunker.

It is another lesson on this road I am on.

But on the plus side I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be.

Firstly I’m increasingly argumentative. Not quarrelsome but rather far more inclined to disagree with people. I take issue with small inaccuracies & debate them with a force their [lack of] importance does not merit. I found myself taking issue with the precise definition of a wormery the other day. What on earth for!

Secondly the impact of work. I went back to my old work for a 2 week stint. All that happy go lucky energy disappeared in the days following. My conversation became monosylabic & my ability to be positive & happy with people outside work disappeared. Is this a case of using up all my testosterone at work I wonder or is it the nature of the job itself. If I didn’t work with the same intensity would I have more left in the tank for other areas of my life? I hope so because if it is just the nature of the work will have to change careers. In any case it will be good to know which.

ME: Imposed myself into a group of four guys (I knew one but noth the other three) looked them in the eyes & spoke loudly & with confidence giving my opinion on the football game we’d just watched.

THEM: Adopted positive body language turning their shoulder toward me & making eye contact.

Better.